Monday, June 09, 2008

Heard the one about the (ex) Tankie who put his name to a decentist blog?

The article and the jokes have already been doing the rounds on various blogs for a few days but, what with me being consumed by Panini, I've been a bit slow in the uptake.

To make amends, here's a few of the better jokes from the original piece in the Times (sadly, the majority of the jokes on the Harry's Place thread have been woeful):

  • A man from Soviet Russia, a man from Soviet Poland and an American are on a train.

    The Russian is bored. He looks around, reaches up to the shelf and takes down his suitcase. He opens it to reveal countless bottles of vodka. He takes one and throws the rest out of the window. He takes a swig from the bottle and throws that out of the window as well.

    The Pole and the American are amazed. "Why did you do that?" they ask. The Russian shrugs his shoulders and says "Where I am from we have plenty of vodka."

    The American, not wanting to be outdone, reaches up to the shelf and takes down his suitcase. Inside are countless packets of cigarettes. He takes a pack and throws the rest out of the window. He then takes a cigarette, lights it and takes a drag. He then throws the cigarette and the packet out of the window.

    The Russian and the Pole are amazed. "Why did you do that?" they ask. The American shrugs and says "Where I am from we have loads of cigarettes."

    The Pole looks a little uncomfortable, thinks for a moment and then throws the Russian out of the window.

  • Stalin is on his deathbed, dying, and summons Khrushchev. "I know you will beat out the competition and succeed me," Stalin said, "so, for your guidance, I have prepared two letters. Open the first one when you are in trouble with the Party the first time. Open the second one when you are in danger of being deposed."

    Khrushchev obeys Stalin and takes the two letters. In 1956, he faces problems with the Party over Hungary and Suez. He opens the first one and reads "Blame everything on me!" So, Khrushchev gives the secret speech condemning Stalin to the Party Congress, causing the tummult to die down.

    In 1964, Khrushchev is about to be deposed by Brezhnev and Kosigyn. He opens up the second letter. It said:

    "Prepare two letters."

    POSTED BY: GREGORY BAKER | 3 JUN 2008 16:31:24
  • Lenin dies and goes to Hell. A couple of weeks later, God is at the fence and sees the Devil, who is looking a bit upset. "Hey, Satan! What's wrong?"

    "Oh," says Satan. "It's that Lenin character. What a pain in the rear!"

    God says, "Well, I'm not very busy right now. I'll take him for a while." Satan perks up. "You will? Thank you very much!" He boots Lenin over.

    A couple of weeks later, Satan runs into God, who is walking along in a business-like manner. "Hey, God, how are you doing with Lenin?"

    God answers, "First, that's Comrade God. Second, there is no God. Third, I can't stop to talk. I'm late for a Party meeting."

    POSTED BY: BLEEPLESS | 3 JUN 2008 19:55:46
  • Abbreviates form of an oft-told joke from the '80s.

    Pole joins meat line which is closed.

    Joins cheese line which is closed.

    Joins bread line which is closed.

    Joins vodka line which is also closed.

    When the sign is put out and the door closed at the vodka line, he tears off his hat and stomps on it, tears off his coat and shirt, shows his scars, and yells to the rest of the line, "this is the scar I got at Krakov, this is the scar from Berlin, I am a hero of the Revolution and of the war against the Germans, and I have no meat, no bread and not even vodka. For what have I suffered?"

    The crowd applauds and encourages him, but an officer of the secret police steps up and reminds him, "you are right, and times are hard, but remember, not so long ago . . ." and the officer uses his hand like a pistol, puts it to his own head and pulls the "trigger" and his head flops over to the side. "Just go home, comrade, and forget this, and we will do the same."

    So he goes home and collapses in his chair, and his wife says, "what's wrong?"

    "It's worse than I thought. They've run out of bullets."

    POSTED BY: BILL GUTHRIE | 4 JUN 2008 13:09:26
  • British Trades Union delegation visit a Soviet factory. Factory manager boasts, 'In this factory all the workers do an eighty hour week.'

    'Blimy', says the the leader of the British delegation, 'I couldn't get our members to do that. They're communists to a man.'

    POSTED BY: COLIN | 6 JUN 2008 21:59:21

  • No comments: