Albert Who?

UPDATE 4/18/08

Hello, welcome and shalom. 

Visiting the blog via the link from the Guardian's 'Joy of Six: the greatest league title finales' blog post?

I'm guessing you want the Billy Connolly Albert Kidd anecdote without having to first wade through the obscure music references, bad puns and shameless plugging of the Socialist Standard. I totally understand. I'm exactly the same when navigating my way through a Barry Glendenning article. The Connolly/Kidd anecdote is at the bottom of the post. 

Thanks for visiting.

Just realised that some readers of the blog will be totally non-plussed at the mention of the bloke called 'Albert Kidd' in a recent post. 

To cut a long story short, "I lost my mind"* Albert Kidd was the Dundee striker - nothing to do with Timex, that was a few years later - who, in 1986, scored two goals against Hearts at Dens Park in the last eight minutes of the game to deprive the latter of the Scottish League Championship. Celtic, by beating St Mirren 5-0 at Love Street - and that's nothing to do with TS but, for the record, he was on the picket line at Timex in an act of solidarity - on the same day snatched the title away from the Jambos** on goal difference. 

Prior to the final league game of the season, Hearts had gone 31 games without defeat and all they needed was to draw their game against Dundee to win the League for the first time in about thirty odd years. The following week, no doubt still devastated at choking at the final hurdle of the title race, they lost the Scottish Cup final to Aberdeen. A case of double or nothing.

Due to what was, I presume, the thoughtful act of a Hibs*** fan - or, more likely, 729 Hibs fans caught up in a cyber-stampede as they all simultaneously sought to be the first person to upload the clip - the good people at Youtube have footage of that memorable day at Dens Park. 

I know the quality of the clip is very grainy, but trust me it wasn't Bobby Ball who scored those two goals against Hearts, it was Albert Kidd. The first talking head who pops up during the clip is John Colquhoun, a member of the Hearts team in '86. I remember watching a long time ago an episode of Halfway to Paradise - an excellent arts show that was made in Scotland that was only spoiled by the fact that it was hosted by Stuart Cosgrove - where Colquhoun spoke passionately of his political beliefs, citing Robert Tressell's Ragged Trousered Philanthropists as a major influence. Heartening then to discover via wikipedia that Colquhoun stayed true to those beliefs by becoming a *cough* football agent.****

As I'm feeling particularly generous, and as it has now become apparent that I was lying to myself when I said this post would be short, I'll also throw in the Youtube clip of Celtic steamrollering St Mirren 5-0 on that day. 

Word of warning: I recommend that you turn down the volume on the clip, as the musical accompaniment is mince, and I recommend you play the Undertones' 'Love Parade' instead. Some cracking goals that day - especially the third goal - and it's such a pleasure to watch Danny McGrain in full flow, even if it's only for a few minutes. The bloke looked twenty years older than anybody else on the pitch, but his finesse in breaking up a St Mirren attack on the edge of Celtic's penalty box, and setting in motion a series of quick flowing passes which resulted in Mo Johnston dispatching the ball into the net for the third goal was a joy to behold. 

Also nice to see Brian 'Choccy' McClair scoring a couple of goals that day. People forget what a great goalscorer he was  for Celtic. They also forget that, like Colquhoun, he was also a bit of a lefty in his day. However, his favourite political book wasn't Tressell's classic, but Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. (Apologies for that bad visual pun - I couldn't help myself.)

Back to Albert Kidd before I forget. A story that did the rounds that many times that I believed it myself was that Albert Kidd was the recipient of the 1986 Hibs Supporters Player of the Year as a result of those famed seven or eight minutes but, according to this article that I found on the net during my exhaustive research, it was an urban myth that took on a life of its own. 

With reference to that linked article, I love this wee self-deprecating anecdote that Kidd told to a contingent of Hibs supporters living in Australia, after they invited him to be a guest of honour at one of their piss ups:

One of the most amusing [anecdotes] was told indeed by Alby [Albert Kidd] himself, and centred on a chance meeting he had with the Big Yin, Billy Connolly in an Adelaide hotel. Alby was attending a function in the hotel the story goes, when he entered the lift, and there by chance was Billy Connolly himself, who was returning from a gig he had just performed at in Adelaide.

“Big Man!” exclaimed Alby and shook his hand. “Your Scottish?” enquired Connolly, as much out of politeness as anything else. The conversation progressed along normal small talk lines until Billy Connolly asked Alby what he did for a living, to which Alby replied that he was involved in football in Australia. “Really?” asked the Big Yin, “did you play back home?” “Yes, I played for a few clubs, among them Motherwell and Dundee” replied the ever-modest Alby. “Were you any good?” asked the famous visitor. “Well I dunno about that Billy, but I guess my claim to fame was that on the last day of the season I scored two goals against Hearts that cost them……… “ALBERT KIDD!!!” Billy Connolly interrupted mid sentence, bellowing, gazing upon his new friend open mouthed. “I can’t believe it!” “Here I am in Adelaide and I’m in a lift with Albert Kidd…I was at Love Street that day when the news came through and we won the league as a result!”

Nice.

*Lost in the eighties, of course I have to have my Spandau Ballet moment.

**"Jambos" - the nickname of Hearts of Midlothian. Probably something to do with their maroon colour jerseys, or maybe it's rhyming slang for Jammy Sparts on account of the rumour that Karl Liebknecht was once given a trial at Tynecastle. He declined the offer of the six month sentence.

***"Hibs" - short for Hibernian. Based in Leith, and with their support historically made up of the Irish Catholic community in Edinburgh, they are Hearts great city rivals. It goes without saying that they were just a wee bit happy at the news that Hearts had failed to win the title. This may be explained away by the fact that Hibs have themselves fallen short in recent decades years. They last won the Scottish Cup in 1902. That's right, 1902. They have been failing even longer than the SPGB. Even Third Lanark have won the cup more recently than that.

****Maybe this passage wasn't in the copy of the 'Ragged Trousered Philanthropists' that Colquhoun read: "‘Look at them!’ he continued with a contemptuous laugh. ‘Look at them! the people you are trying to make idealists of! Look at them! Some of them howling and roaring like wild beasts, or laughing like idiots, others standing with dull and stupid faces devoid of any trace of intelligence or expression, listening to the speakers whose words convey no meaning to their stultified minds, and others with their eyes gleaming with savage hatred of their fellow men, watching eagerly for an opportunity to provoke a quarrel that they may gratify their brutal natures by striking someone – their eyes are hungry for the sight of blood! Can’t you see that these people, whom you are trying to make understand your plan for the regeneration of the world, your doctrine of universal brotherhood and love are for the most part – intellectually – on level with Hottentots? The only things they feel any real interest in are beer, football, betting and – of course – one other subject. Their highest ambition is to be allowed to Work. And they desire nothing better for their children!"