Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dolphins or triangles?


- A word.

- yeah?

- What happened?

- What do you mean?

- A few months back on the blog, every other week it was "morphing into a music blog this, wannabe music blog that". And then nothing. Quieter than a John Cage classic. Like I said, what happened?

- You didn't believe that guff, did you? It was filler to keep the blog ticking over.

- I did believe it and, what's more, you half-believed it. What happened . . . Are you listening to me?

- Sorry, I was distracted. Flamini just scored a scorcher against Newcastle Utd. Keegan should never have gone back. It wasn't a wise move. *snigger* What were you saying? Wannabe music blog?

- aye

- Well, the more I thought about it the less I thought it was a viable idea. There are so many cracking music blogs out there that when I chewed it over, I realised I couldn't be arsed to come up with the half muso, half walk down memory lane schtick to accompany any mp3s I might post on the blog. Paul Morley might be a pretentious prick, but at least he can crank out the 1000 words when writing about a Crispy Ambulance b-side. For that, if for nothing else, he has my admiration. And . . .

- Yeah?

- Bendtner was definitely offside for Fàbregas's goal.

- Forget about Arsenal for feck's sake. They flatter to deceive. They aren't winning squat this season.

- I'll remember you said that come May.

- I'll remind you I said it come May. And, btw, why do you keep mentioning Paul Morley in the blog? It's bordering on a Galloway/Tim-like obsession.

- The same reason I keep going back to highlighting the fact that Nicky Campbell and David Baddiel are wankers on the blog. It less to do with me obsessing and more to do with the fact that they are the self-absorbed types who will google-search themselves with their morning coffee and croissant: I want them to know that they are admired from afar.

- "Self-absorbed types"? Look in the mirror, narcissus. You're having an imaginary conversation with yourself on a blog.

- This is filler for the blog you cheeky bastard, but as you are just resorting to abuse, I'll restate for the record why there is a near-absence of music posts on the blog in recent weeks. It's a chore to spew out 200 words to accompany the posting of an mp3. You know. Why you should listen to this . . .blah! blah! . . . . why it's important. . . blah! blah! . . . why it will make you laugh/cry/rage/protest (delete as appropriate) . . . produced by Kim Fowley under the pseudonym of Rome Forte during his Psychobilly Skiffle period . . . blah! blah! bastard blah! I end up tongue-tied and fall back on, "You'll like X cos they sound like Y." That can be so aggravating after a while when all you're really trying to do is bring joy to other people's lives by shoving your music taste down their ears. LISTEN TO THE RECOMMENDED TUNES, YOU BASTARDS. Leave the furrowed browed music appreciation for the brylcreem boys slumming it over at Pitchfork Media.

- What's with the caps? No need to shout.

- Sorry. Realised the post was dragging on a bit and thought I'd actually jemmy in an excuse for posting this ramble.

- I understand. Remember, I've read your blog before. I have to click on it to get to Dave O's blog. Your blog is my glorified bookmark.

- . . . .

- Not talking? Sorry if I hurt your feelings. It's the same reason that guy from Thames Valley University clicks on your blog every morning for 1 minute 37 seconds.

- No, not that. But, yeah, who is that bloke? I have my theories. I use the blog as a bookmark bar as well. The silence was because I was surprised you didn't go with the obvious gag about X sounding like Y.

- You mean some lame arsed gag about the seminal early eighties punk band from Los Angeles? I got it . . where do you want me to put it? I thought conversing with you was indulgence enough.

- So there's no point in throwing out the Blue Rondo A L Turk gag or the zinger about The Woodentops?

- Like you have a joke about Blue Rondo A La Turk. You're just going for the google alert traffic. You're so transparent, I can see what you ate for breakfast.
- Yeah, Chicken and Sausage Gumbo soup. I'll say this for the Americans. Their soup is better than their crisps.

- . . .

- By the by, I'm looking at the clock even if you're not. You're supposed to be meeting Kara in twenty minutes and I can't see where this post is going.

- OK, smart arse. As YOU kicked off this conversation, why don't you wind it down?

- Never thought you'd ask. Mind, I thought you should have asked earlier. Will Rubbish stopped reading this post when you mentioned Crispy Ambulance; Reidski's still in the pub and Kara will click on the link to Pandagon's blog as soon as she spots the football references. It's just you, me and the funny shoe salesman who are still reading this post.

- "funny shoe salesman" Tutti Frutti. First episode, when Danny and Suzy are walking through the Glasgow School of Art. I'll give you that sideway pop culture reference if you give me an ending to this post.

- OK. Short and sweet solution? Having trouble with accompanying blurb? Stream of consciousness pish. Why bother what anybody else thinks. We've already established your limited readership. Failing that, do what every other fucker does: cut and paste from wiki or discogs. Nobody will notice and, at worst, it'll just be like that music project you did in third year for Mr Larkin. Remember? 'Cos he thought you were such a pain in the arse in school, he couldn't believe that you'd did the project by yourself . . .

- I know what you're trying to do. Throwing in a personal memory to bring life to a song. I've tried it. It doesn't work. I haven't led that interesting a life. And, anyway, that bloke from the chip shop does that so much better. I'd come off looking like the Brotherhood of Man to his ABBA.

- OK, what about lists? You like lists. Remember that poll of favourite bands you did when you were 12? . . . sorry, pissing on the chip shop guys chips. But you are always banging on about how you could swap your iPod for a 1981 Walkman, and you do have your playlists.

- Thought about it but, again, 17 Seconds does that sort of stuff par excellence. He's doing a sterling series on old Peel Festive Fifty's at the moment. Not always my cup of tea, but there's always something there that hits the spot. My pale version of such an undertaking would be my Bardo to his Bucks Fizz.

-*Sigh* Fuckzake, you're hard work sometimes. Well, how about going against the habit of a lifetime and putting a bit of time and thought into a post? Why not do a considered piece about a neglected classic or why a band that have been sneered at in the past should be reassessed? You were always havering on about ABC sophomore album, Beauty Stab, being a neglected classic. Make a case for it. You know, actually do a smidge of research. Write a draft and don't just press the publish button 'cos a repeat of Malcolm On The Middle has started on the telly.

- Fucksake with a Z and "sophomore"? Don't get all American on my arse. Your worst idea so far. The whole point of my blogging block was down to the fact that I couldn't be arsed to penning a few hundred words and now you're suggesting a post in four parts . . .

- . . . *smirk* I'm doing a word count on this post after its finally published.

- . . . .aye, aye. Patter like that, I take it that your writers are still on strike? Kudos for their class consciousness . . . and their taste. As I was saying, before you interrupted my interruption, it would be a non-starter. Blogging should be like an early Wire album track. Short, snappy and finished under 1 minute 37 seconds. And anyway, again, better people are doing that sort of stuff. I know you think that they are overrated but check out Owen's piece on The Cure or Marcello's daily pieces over at Blue in the Air blog. They do that sort of stuff for kicks. I'd be the Haircut 100 to their Orange Juice.

- You like Haircut 100

- I know I do. That's just my lead into this old post about Pelican West. That Marcello bloke has the chops when it comes to writing about pop matters.

- *sigh* You finished? You talk of posts resembling Wire album tracks but this post is coming off like a track from Don't Stand Me Down. Not often Kevin Rowland comes off as the more lucid and succinct in a compare and contrast. Hurry up man. Axl Rose will finish Chinese Democracy before you finish this post.

- Finish it for me.

- As I see it: You can't be arsed to push the boat out but you still want to shove your musical taste down peoples's ears. Is that the bottom line?

- I guess so.

- Then could I suggest that you just carry on with what you were doing. Talking up the occasional lucky find on myspace with a wee bit of blurb; grabbing a music meme with both hands and running with it until you collapse into a exhausted heap; maybe signposting a good blog article with accompanying mp3 (for sampling purposes); and the occasional linkage to music blogs that know what they're talking about.

- You mean like Power Pop Criminal$ and Mutant Sounds?

- Yeah, amongst others.They're sprouting up on the internet like Ron Paul supporters.

- Wait up. You didn't mention my Friday Playlists when suggesting I do what I did before.

- Kill the Friday Playlist. No one was interested. Now about meeting Kara in twenty minutes?

- Of course. Thanks for reminding me.

- Any chance of picking up the latest issue of the Indypendent at Vox Pop for me?

- Sure, no problem. And thanks for the 'word'. It's a weight off my mind.

- No worries. You've got impeccable taste in music and it was hurting us both that you were blocking yourself from foisting it on blogdom.

- About The Indypendent. Are you actually going to read it this time?

- Your writers on strike as well, wee man? Very droll. If you think about it, that line makes us both look bad.

- I'll get my coat.

5 comments:

stuart said...

I love Haircut 100 too. It was one of the first albums I ever bought. I also used to subscribe to Shoot and look at the pictures before deciding the only reason I played football and read about it was because I was forced to. Hated it ever since. Although Dave did convert me slightly by taking me to Leighton Orient games. I suppose I could get into it if I wasn't so busy cramming my head full of pointless theory. Why do I do that? What's the point? Am I having a conversation with myself in your comments box?

rod said...

Oh no, outed!. If one of your theories is that he's reading this at the end of his lunch-hour before getting back to work, you'd be right. I've been tempted to comment before, particularly a few months ago when you mentioned Proletarian Gob: you were right, the Gob did come from Berkshire (the revolutionary melting-pot that is Wokingham, in fact). He's now living in Australia (but he didn't write "Socialist substandard": I don't know who did.)
The blog has given me a lot of laughs and some wry smiles; the only problem I have is with its support for Celtic - surely that should be Hearts? I (sort of!) support Hearts in memory of my dad who used to watch them regularly; he came from Prestonpans, which in a roundabout way brings us to a Prestonpans phone box and the awful Nicky Campbell....
Rod (the guy from Thames Valley University)

JC said...

'more to do with the fact that they are the self-absorbed types who will google-search themselves with their morning coffee and croissant: I want them to know that they are admired from afar.'

That made me laugh out loud.

If you really want to do the occasional music pots, I'd be happy to host it at TVV....

Darren said...

Stuart,

see the post above. Nice piece of writing on Pelican West.

Rod,

Hello there. Nice to make your acquaintance. ;-) For some reason I always thought it was Paul Petard who put Proletarian Gob together. (Arguably the best name for a political magazine ever. Up there with Communist Headache.)

I seem to remember that the Proletarian Gob guy had some sort of relationship with the Subversion people in Manchester. I used to regularly get their magazine, and I'm sure that is where I first heard of Proletarian Gob.

Were you connected to either?

With regards to Hearts? I'm not sure why I've always had in for them. It's a toss up between Wallace Mercer's face and the fact that there one celebrity fan is Ronnie Corbett. ;-)

JC,

Thanks for the kind offer. Despite any impression that the meandering stream of consciousness gave, I will continue to chuck mp3's on the blog from time to time for sampling purposes.

I think I was just disheartened that Hype Machine knocked me back when I requested that the blog be listed on their page. I guess the mixture of footie, pop music and obscure lefty music is not to everyone's taste. ;-)

rod said...

I hadn't realised about Ronnie Corbett but I can see that it's a powerful argument: I'll just have to blot him out!
Having just looked up about Paul Petard there are some odd coincidences between him and my friend Pete Harrison (aka Proletarian Gob): both come from Berkshire and both have worked as posties. Paul Petard is also given as a visiting lecturer at Portsmouth University (I don't know how current this information is): I met Pete in the early 80s when we were both at what was then Portsmouth Polytechnic! Pete certainly had connections with Subversion although I never have: my sympathies (for want of a better term!) have generally been with the SPGB/WSM, although I have a lot of time for groups like the IWW (and Subversion, too, come to that.)
Latterly, by the way, the Gob was one half of Monsieur Dupont.