"They Used To Play On Grass"*

For those of you who can't be arsed to watch four weeks of theatrical dives; the lingering and lascivious camera shots of scantily clad fans; read the references in the Guardian and the Independent to Orwell's "war minus the shooting" line when Angola play Portugal; and grimace at the free flowing football**, help is at hand with the news from EA Sports that with the help of a "simulation engine" it is revealed that the Czech Republic will wing win the 2006 World Cup.

David O'Leary will be pleased to read that it turns out after all that Milan Baros does in fact know how to score goals - according to the simulation engine, Baros will be top goalscorer in the tournament - but the only drawback is that he has to be wearing a Czech Republic jersey at the time to do so. England is going out in the last 16 to Germany, which is bad news for any BMW drivers in the Bermondsey area the night that happens and a grain of authenticity is lent to the predictions with the news that the 'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride' team that is not called Spain will go out in the group stages.

Honorable mentions are given to Eddie Lewis, Petr Cech and Jared Borgetti from my Fantasy Football World Cup Team in the EA tournament, which makes me wonder if I have enough time to change my squad but, sadly, no mention is given in the piece as to what point during the tournament someone will have the good sense to tell Jonathan Pearce what they really think about him.

*Terry Venables and Gordon Williams

** Australian clogger defender Craig Moore.