"Two Hooses, Diver! Not Even Elvis Had Two Hooses"

I was starting to believe I was living in one of those Twilight Zone episodes that I never used to watch when they were re-run on TV a few years back: The bloke who claims to have seen a 'happening' that no one else appears to have seen. The bloke (it's always a bloke) brings the subject up at every opportunity - repeating himself ad nauseum - to anyone who will stand still long enough to be at the receiving end of his rambling rant. After each consecutive quizzical reaction and shuffled embarrassment from people not being able to put the bloke's mind at rest by saying that they also witnessed the 'happening', he becomes increasingly hyper and as a consequence threatening until the final scene in the episode is a juxtaposition of the image of the bloke in a padded cell in a hospital upstate - its always upstate - doing a variation on the Ian Curtis dancing routine whilst the Doctors and Nurses who have just drop kicked him into the cell, sit down to watch a re-run of the 'happening' on TV, smiling knowingly at one another.

I am - or rather I was - that bloke, and the 'happening' was John Byrne's 'Tutti Frutti'. A six part comedy drama made by BBC Scotland in 1987 about the fictional Glaswegian rock n' roll band, The Majestics, who having one top ten record back in the mid-sixties return to the obscurity from whence they came in double quick time to spend the next twenty odd years gigging around the toilets of Scotland and all their energy channelled into raising families and into intra-band mutual recrimination and violence that makes the Gallagher Brothers look like the Corr sisters, only for them to occasionally declare a temporary truce when facing the greater external threat from their long standing manager, Eddie Clockerty. (A manager who mixes the charm of Eric 'Monster' Hall with the business scruples of the former Executives at Enron.)

I won't ruin it by trying to recount the whole six episodes of this brilliant drama - which would be near impossible 'cos so much was packed into six fifty minute episodes, and it would be the equivalent of that tin eared dick, Dr Fox, trying to put into words the indescribable brilliance of Rufus and Chaka Khan's 'Ain't Nobody' - but the scene is set at the start with Robbie Coltrane, in an electric blue suit, and playing the part of Danny McGlone, returning home to Glasgow from New York to attend the funeral of his big brother, Jazza McGlone. Jazza, the lead singer of the Majestics (and also played by Coltrane in flashback sequences), has met a premature death by crashing his car into a bus shelter whilst trying to negotiate a corner half pissed and eating a kebab at the wheel of his car. (A death that mixes Marc Bolan with Mama Cass.)

Danny McGlone, telling anyone who will listen that he is currently a working artist in New York, is asked by Eddie Clockerty (played by Richard Wilson) to step into his dead brother's shoes by performing lead vocals and playing keyboards on the already planned Majestics Silver Jubilee tour. The media is once again interested in the Majestics - 25 years on since that one hit wonder - in a Where Are They Now? type angle, and Danny throws up his burgeoning art career in New York(in reality, sharing a garret in New York with a "funny shoe salesman", living a precarious existance by playing the piano in bars because he can't get a proper job without a Green Card.) to play the top musical venues in Scotland, which just happen to be places like Methil, Ardrossan and Buckie.

Along the way, Danny McGlone runs into Suzy Kettles (played by Emma Thompson), rekindling a romance that never was from their student days at the Glasgow School of Art, getting her in to play rhythm guitar and sing vocals on the tour after Vincent Diver (lead guitarist, half Alvin Stardust/half Gene Vincent, and would be leader of the Majestics) gets stabbed in the vitals by way of a hello from his long lost daughter who was the product of a knee trembler from the last time The Majestics played Buckie twenty odd years before.

Throw into this mix, the TV journalist doing a documentary on The Majestics deciding to do a hatchet job on them; Eddie Clockerty's relationship with his personal assistant, Miss Toner (played by the brilliant Katy Murphy); Vincent Diver (the best role Maurice Roeves has ever done) trying to keep intact his twenty five year old marriage to the sister of the drummer of The Majestics, Bomba (played by that that shouty Scottish bloke out of the seventies sitcom 'It Ain't Half Racist, Mum', who you can tell he's the drummer by the fact that when in doubt he clouts someone), whilst having a relationship with a nineteen year old girl ("Sawn off page three chick", according to Katy Murphy's character), who has a trust fund and a penchant for knitting cardigans (with toggles)for Vincent as a expression of her devotion for him that would have Val Doonican reaching for the smelling salts. Not forgetting the bass player - always the last to be noticed and to know - Fudd O'Donnell played by Jake D'Arcy (the P.E teacher in Gregory's Girl), not the sharpest knife in the drawer but the conscience of the story with his eight kids and stories of his holidays in "socialist Poland". But even the bass player gets more notice than the Chief (only) Roadie aka sound engineer aka security aka driver aka eyes and ears of Eddie Clockerty, Dennis Sproul (played by Ron Donachie), who has more light under his bushel than the rest of them put together but he is like a fictional version of Ian Stewart who,until his death, was the sixth member of the Rolling Stones who didn't appear in the press pics 'cos he didn't fit the image of the Band. That's if the Stones were a one trick pony cranking out the same cod R'n'B for decades on end anchored around a narcissistic front man with his head up his arse and a lead guitarist who really thinks it's HIS band . . . oops, scratch that thought.

As I said, before the rambling stream of consciousness by way of a fanzine scribblings above got the better of me, Tutti Frutti was a show that won universal plaudits when it appeared on the telly back in 1987, Baftas for the mantelpiece if you are into that sort of thing - and yet it drifted out of people's memory within a couple of years, and my attempts at convincing people of its existence - it's not just politics I proselytise about - fell on deaf ears despite my vain attempts at providing concrete evidence of its existence: "What - Robbie Coltrane playing a part on television where both his arse cheeks are in the same postcode? Bollocks, what are you going to tell me next - Ben Elton has integrity?" "What - Emma Thompson playing a part where she is both likeable and funny? That you faking feeble mindedness to claim sickness benefit?"

What's the point of this post again? (Quick scroll up for a clue.) Aye, a couple of weeks back I discovered the independent verification to prove that Tutti Frutti does in fact exist, and better still the (disputed) explanation for why it disappeared off the face of the earth these past seventeen years. The Sunday Herald carried an article by Jenifer Johnston on the 18th April, entitled 'Pressure grows for Tutti Frutti revival … after 17 years on shelf' , where in less words, and more clarity than my clumsy self, explains the continued appeal for a drama that appeared twice on TV in the space of nine months all them years back then done a better disappearing act than the Labour Govt's ethical foreign policy.

From Johnston's article there are mixed messages for why 'Tutti Frutti' went awol: Byrne claims that another writer alleged plagiarism against his idea for the drama, and the BBC, in order to placate this unnamed accuser, had to promise that it wouldn't repeat the series again or ever release it on video. The alternative explanation is that there was problem with copyright on a few of the songs covered in the series, and that has resulted in it being put in cold storage all these years.

What has happened in the intervening years? After the triumph of Tutti Frutti, Byrne followed it up with Your Cheatin' Heart, staring Tilda Swinton and John Gordon Sinclair, which no bugger can remember for the simple reason that it wasn't that good. Byrne - also known as a well respected painter and artist* - has written little for the small screen though he continues to do a lot of work on the stage, and the last time I spotted him was in a 'glance or you will miss it' cameo in a dire Scottish comedy called American Cousins. If he is seen at all now, he is seen on the arm of his wife, Tilda Swinton.**

What about the actors? As I mentioned Maurice Roeves will never have another part as good as Vincent Diver again. I did see him in Gagarin's Way at the National Theatre a few years back where he did the biz, but last seen doing a Geordie accent by way of Kilmarnock as Kate's police inspector father in Eastenders. Jake D'Arcy - absolutely brilliant as the P.E teacher in the black tracksuit in Gregory's Girl. He turns up in every other series of Taggart as either a murderer or the husband of a victim. Too talented an actor to be bogged down in such shite, but as there are in fact only 17 jobbing actors in the whole of Scotland there has been a crap rotation system in place for actors since the time of John Laurie. Who am I to argue? Katy Murphy, since 'Tutti Frutti' has been in the brilliant Donna Franceschild written dramas 'Taking Over The Asylum' and 'Donovan Quick' but was also appeared in the Franceschild penned 'The Key' which was so bad I thought it had been written by a member of the Socialist Worker Platform of the Scottish Socialist Party. She also appeared in a sitcom with David Essex a few years back, but I understand that this was connected with the crap rotational system (see above), in an exchange capacity. Richard Wilson is best known for One Foot in Grave - what more can be written apart from him being a New Labour luvvie. Robbie Coltrane will never appear in anything so good again - Cracker was overrated (apart from the one storyline with Robert Carlyle), and Coltrane's career has floundered in cameo acting hell in recent years but I am sure he is hoping that with the recent death of Peter Ustinov he will now be considered for the 'fat raconteur on chat show' gig. Emma Thompson was played by Suzy Kettles. Little has been heard from Suzy Kettles since that excellent piece of acting. Shame.

Either way - can the bastards now just and hurry up and put the thing on the telly and/or release it on video/DVD so I can d/l it from suprnova. The mental anguish I have been put under all these years - first, the pain of knowing that all this time I was gushing to people about a programme that no bugger could remember enough to give a damn about; secondly, one of the few times I've ever wanted to be one of those tossers who quote lines of dialogue at people to show how witty they are - yes, I'm speaking to all the Withnail and I/League of Gentlemen/Monty Python fans out there - it so happens it is in connection with an obscure series that no bastard has heard of so to attempt to spout the lines of dialogue marks you down as an obscurantist git or the local village idiot. Either way, people are looking at you sideways.

In celebration of the future reappearance of Tutti Frutti, and to also piss myself off that I can remember dialogue from something I watched over fifteen years ago but can't remember what I had for my breakfast yesterday, a quick burst of Tutti Frutti Tourette Syndrome to show how witty I am:

Bomba: "Two hooses, Diver! Not even Elvis had two hooses."

In the middle of Danny McGlone fighting and brawling with Bomba, after he switched off a Delia Smith cookery programme Bomba was watching.

Danny McGlone: "If it means that much to you, I'll give you the recipe."

On a train travelling from shortbread biscuit tin country to the city that is all fur coat and no knickers.

Miss Toner [to Eddie Clockerty]: "You think Roy Castle's funny."

Same train journey - different mood

Eddie Clockerty: "I sometimes wonder about you. What is it? That's right, your gallus" [Smug grin on his face as he takes a puff of his cigar.]

Miss Toner: [hackles rising] "Well, its better than being a sawn off page three chick or someone who thinks high society is a prawn cocktail in the lounge bar. I like being gallus, alright?"

[Clockerty looking out the window - trying to avoid the blowback.]

Miss Toner: "That's right - look out the window. Pretend you're not here." [Suddenly shouting to the crowded train] "That's right - I'm no with him. He's with me." [Clockerty continues to look out the window, realising he bit off more than he could chew.]

Breakfast time in a Guest House in Teuchtar country. Danny has just declared his undying love/lust for Suzy.

Danny McGlone: "Where you off to?"

Suzy Kettles: "I'm off to get some toothpaste."

Danny McGlone: "A guy declares his undying love for you and that is all you can say? I'm off to get some toothpaste?"

Suzy Kettles: "We need some toothpaste."

Danny McGlone:"Is that the royal we? Because you obviously don't include me in your plans."

Suzy Kettles:"What - you've got your own toothpaste?"

Danny McGlone: [Slamming his fist on the dining room table and suddenly shouting] "No, I haven't got my own damn toothpaste."

Suzy Kettles: [Not liking the sudden mood swing] "Well there you are then." [Walking rapidly out the door.]

Danny McGlone: [Shouting and bawling] "Come back here, dammit!"

Suzy Kettles: [Puts her head round the door, replies quietly] "What is it?"

Danny McGlone: [Voice lowered] "Don't get the stripey stuff. It stings mae gums."

Still not convinced? Pearls before swine.

* John Byrne's portrait of Tommy Sheridan is not one of his better likeness. For a true likeness of Tommy, click on the link.

** It's a bit harsh on my part to give the impression that in recent years Byrne is little more than arm candy for his better known partner. A very succesful painter and playwright, he is the nearest you will get to a renaissance man from Paisley. Doing a bit research on the web for this guff, I noted that the 1983 New York production of his autobiographical play, 'Slab Boys', had as its three main actors Sean Penn, Kevin Bacon and Val Kilmer! Two out of three ain't bad.