Alternative titles for the book 'Socialism or Your Money Back'

A post otherwise known as, 'I Could Have Been A Contender'.

Suggested alternative titles for The Socialist Party's bumper book, 'Socialism or Your Money Back', but which never got beyond the "What the fuck . . . ." stage.

"A Plague On All Your Houses" (self-explanatory and self- deprecating)

'Impossibilist Dreamers' (play on 'Impossible Dreamers')

'A Snail's Progress' (play on 'A Rake's Progress')

'From the Boer war to the Bore wars'

'It's the case not the face'

"More Cold Water" (in homage to the phrase from Glasgow Branch delegates - and less be honest we have been the cold water brigade by sticking to revolutionary socialist principle this last hundred years.)

'No Compromise!'

'Abolish the Money and Run' (Play on well known phrase.)

'REMAINDER THIS BOOK!' (A take on Abbie Hoffman's Yippie classic 'Steal This Book')

'Four Splits, Ten Expulsions and One Hundred Years For Socialism'

'Dude, Wheres My Quorum?'

'No One Likes Us, We Don't Care' (Millwall supporters stole that phrase off us, we are stealing it back. If you haven't seen the U2 film 'Rattle And Hum', you won't get that joke.)

"Who'll Do The Dirty Work?"

"This Time Next Year, We Will Have Socialism . . . ." (Apologies to Only Fools and Horse)

'From Battersea to Clapham' (The Party was formed in Battersea - a hundred years of propaganda and it has progressed to, erm, Clapham. A mile and a half away - self deprecation, etc Also a piss take of all them biogs of Labour Leaders who pulled themselves up from dirt poverty, ect on the backs of the working class from the first half of the twentieth century i.e: 'From poverty row to pall mall' and/or 'From labourer to labor fakir' sic.)

'Are We Prisoners Of Our Means' (Just a play on the name of the new pamphlet and the old majority versus minority revolution debate.)

'What Did The Romans Ever Do For Us?' (Python)

"SPLITTERS!" (More Python)

"No, We Are Not The Fucking SWP!"

'A Small Still Voice' (A description of Tony Turner speaking in Hyde Park at the outbreak of World War Two from an article I once read.

'Bigmouth's Strike Again' (Hat tip to The Smiths.)

'Searching For The Young Soul Rebels' (Hat tip to Dexys Midnight Runners.)

'So Tired of Waiting For You' (Picture of the collective working class on front cover and the title is addressed to them. Hat tip to The Kinks.)

'We Are Only In It To Abolish The Money' (Like the one above - plays on this myth and self-deprecates against the idea that we are obsessed with chanting abolishing money and nothing else)

'A Stuck Record' (Consistency of our record.)

'One Chord Wonders' (see above)

'The Final Paragraph' (see above)

" Only Under Socialism . . . ." (See above with bells on - just in case you still haven't got the joke ;-)

"Either This System Goes Or I Do"

"If You Knew The History . . ." (Had to get a Glasgow Celtic reference in there somewhere ;-)

'Publish and Be Ignored' (Play on the well known phrase, and well it is a history of the Socialist Standard.)

'No Sleep 'Til Socialism' (For the Motorhead fans out there and does get a flavour of the sense of urgency the Party members had of the immediacy of socialism in the early articles of the Socialist Standard.)

'Six Branch Members In Search of A Delegate'( After Pirandello's 'Six Characters in Search of an Author')