There he is again. It's raining, I better stop. He's not even got his hood up. Toot! Toot! Oh, come on, Tony. Stop pretending you don't see me. Coo-ee. Yes - it is me. Yes - I am offering you a lift. Does the gentleman require written confirmation? Twenty-four hours notice? Passed by the House of Lords? Tony, get a move on, will you. Do you think I would leave you dyyyy-ingggg . . . You're not going to get run down. At last, Watch out! Jesus! Finally.
'Come on. Get in.'
'You're soaked, Tony.'
'It's okay. I'm spongy, I'll absorb it.'
'What's up with the bus the day?'
'Well, I missed the 42 so I just got a 26 to the complex and walked. Didn't think it was going to rain, like.'
'That's a two-mile walk, Tony.'
'Done it often enough. Just half an hour into the wind. Save 30p as well. That's three quid a week if I do it all the time. Now that's something that appeals to my nature, cause I'm dead mean, so I am.'
And you're weird, Tony. Well weird. That skinny face. A cagoule that's too wee for you. A brown cagoule. Those trousers. I don't know. You don't have any shoulders, Tony.
'Is that a new jacket?'
'Eh, yes. Yes, it is. I got it on Saturday.'
'Pretty smart. It looks new.'
What does that mean? Everything I wear is new.
'I'm hopeless with clothes. My mum still buys mine.'
From 'I Don't Have Any Friends But I've Got a Cat Called Napalm Death'